Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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