I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I need to calm my uterus...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
