Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
