Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
