I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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