Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
