he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
