I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im calling her cock vulture from now on
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
