I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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