no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She told me I should be a condom model.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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