Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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