i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
