just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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