I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
