Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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