Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
