yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
