Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
