Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
