You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
