Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
