nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize