My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize