Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
