Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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