Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
