I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
