You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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