my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
