I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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