I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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