I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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