strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
