On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
