She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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