True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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