Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
