just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i believe in u and ur pee
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
