If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
