I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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