I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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