I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
