Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
nutella sex= disaster
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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