I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
