if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
