if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
