He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
