White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
