im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
