last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do herpes really smell.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just googled if crying burns calories
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
