Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
