i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
