The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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