I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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