I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize