Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
