My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
