no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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