Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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