do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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