i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
